cross my heart and hope to die

Michelle's profilecross my heart and hope ...PhotosBlogLists

August 23

damn you

You're such a horrible coward. Such an idiot and a fool. What, so I finally acknowledge you do never seem to see me and you fucking wipe your existence off the earth? Screw you Enrica. Just fuck you.

You couldn't remember some lyrics I posted on my playlist that very day, and yet you remembered Jasmine's lyrics for months ago. Because you're worth remembering, you said. I'm not jealous, I'm angry. At you, and your fucking inability to juggle friendships.

Don't fucking do that. Don't talk to me when you so obviously don't want to be there. I've been right here, at this hot, white boiling point for weeks and I didn't want to do anything because of those damn fucking expectations. Well, just because I'm not supposed to have them, doesn't mean they're not there. Does it mean I'm supposed to just smile on blithely while you fucking ignore me? Forget me? Screw me over? No.

I wrote that for you, because I honestly felt it. Sometimes I like you. Other times you hurt me so bad, and so much more than you give a damn about. Because I pine after people who don't like me. I'm not--

I don't want to be that person anymore. That person who'd cry for you, crying because your eyes passed me over and you don't care. I don't want to do it. Not anymore and not for someone like you. Caitlin looked at me, and I screwed it up. You never looked in the first place.

I don't want to be your first, your highest, your best. I wanted to be your friend, whatever that might constitute. But all of your attentions are for someone who is admittedly better than me, everything you're looking for. Well, fuck me I'm sorry. Sorry I'm not Jasmine. Not everyone can be as cute, and good, and selfless as her.

But you're not even close. I don't know what I saw in you. I saw something. But you made me forget.

6:53 PM | Permalink | Blog it

June 15

figured it out

whoa, i'm third wheel, actually.
epiphanies of epiphanies.
i'm a sucker for lost causes
haha, oh god i totally am.
oh don't fret guys, i won't
bother you anymore. i'll
leave you to your blissful
sanctuary, happy as you are
waiting in the wings for
something. not sure what
it is, but no worries. no
worries.

-

and then there
were two.

-

'cause you're not a man
you're just a mannequin
i wish that you could feel
that my love is real
but you're not a man.

-

but who falls
in love with
a mannequin?

-

i wish i could just turn you on
put a battery in and make you talk

-

a bunch of b r o k e n parts
and i can't seem to find your heart

-

how will i know
the right way
to love you.

-

duck duck goose.

-

"What are you doing?" I jump, turn at her voice. I wonder if she knows it's her voice that's replaced the one in my head, telling me to get stronger, fighting, biting, defiant. Pushing me. Though up or towards the edge, I'm not yet sure. Her face is lined with scowls, and I try to remember her when she was happy, and had different expressions. Whatever I come up with breaks like a splash on the surface of water, and I give up.

She glares at me, and I bite my lip, hiding the dandy lion in sweaty palms behind my back; it doesn't fool her. I didn't think it would. I say nothing, only pleading. She doesn't show any weakness at the wan pallor of my face, lips chapped and raw from bites and frets, dark brown eyes - these boring eyes of mine - red. She yanks me hard on the shoulders, and I fight to hold onto the parts of me that are falling away, but I don't dare look at her, I can't.

"I asked you a question." she hasn't raised her voice once but my eyebrows pull together anyway, my chest squeezing up, my throat too dry.

"Nothing," I whisper. Pathetic, stupid, childish, naive. Why did I think blind faith would get me anywhere anyway?

Her hands are careless when she reaches to yank my wrist up, probably leaving bruises to hide the paler ones underneath, shaped like round, delicate fingers. She pulls the dandy lion away, and I fight not to cry out. "Wishing again?" she sneers, and this time I can't stop a tear from escaping, it feels hard as ice.

"It's a dying flower. That's all it is." I shut my eyes, like I can squeeze the shape of her hateful face out of my mind.

"You're pathetic." my hands find purchase over my ears, though it feels less like covering them than squeezing my head of her grating voice.

She grabs my face and forces me to look at her, I'm choking back sobs. "Stop it, wake up. They're never going to love you like you love them. Grow up, how could they love a monster. Someone as disgusting and selfish as you." I think I start to lose myself when I start to believe her.

She tears the downy part of the wish away and clenches her fist.

A dream shatters.

She slaps me with that hand, the sting is numbing, hot.

And the sun falls down.

And I think I start to lose myself when I start to accept this.

3:12 PM | Read comments (7) | Permalink | Blog it

June 13

:]

+ { e x c e p t i o n s } says:
hey do me a favor
http://media.photobucket.com/image/anime%20guys/mAxEne_LoNesTaR88/anime%20guys/anime217.jpg?o=139
write his life.
·´¯`·.·• (    s h o e b o x    ) ↗ says:
jesus christ his life sucks.
sort of.
+ { e x c e p t i o n s } says:
xD
·´¯`·.·• (    s h o e b o x    ) ↗ says:
it didn't always suck
he used to have a girlfriend and parents
and some nice friends
+ { e x c e p t i o n s } says:
at least he has the dog.
·´¯`·.·• (    s h o e b o x    ) ↗ says:
and then he said fuck it im out
and ran away
with his dog
and he regrets it now because his dog has lung cancer
because he spends his meager money on cigs
and his dog eats the butts to stay alive
and he wanders the streets and squats in old houses
because i makes him feel dangerous and important
knowing he's vermin coating the earth
+ { e x c e p t i o n s } says:
OMG.
you just made me laugh out loud.
·´¯`·.·• (    s h o e b o x    ) ↗ says:
He spends his time honing his minor talent in graffiti
and loitering on doorsteps.
Why'd you laugh?

10:03 PM | Permalink | Blog it

Talking about Dipshit?

9:20 PM | Permalink | Blog it

secrets

her jealousy is unfounded
but she's never been accused
of being reasonable.

-

"My liege."

No.

"Your majesty?"

Not even close.

"Your highness?"

Silence.

"My King."

ignorance
might actually
really be
a bliss.

-

i hate spaces live
and their ability
to unerringly ruin
my day. like a bitch.
you change your mind
like a girl, changes clothes.
indie hearts
whoo.

-

I'm hoping you do save me
because they're just three
people, plus one. Three plus one.
I'm the plus one, because they're
people, and I'm a ridiculously
emotionally stunted person.

-

omgsafetynet
saywhat?

-

I need a private blog.
I usually find people's
private blogs. I have
weird knacks for those.
but they won't be able
to find mine.
then those words
are solely for me
and i won't have
to share with those
thieving devils
noooo,
not my words
anything but those
take me instead

and then they kill me
and take the words
anyway, but alas
the power of love
protects the words
from evil wizards
ooh. lightning.

-

if i were kidnapped
i'd seduce the kidnapper
into getting me a laptop
and wifi. so then i'd
actually be happy
being kidnapped.

-

rum's not strong enough to make me forget
and whiskey the morning after doesn't seem
to be enough to make me forget about
the last attempt to forget.
and vodka isn't strong enough to make me
forget the attempt at forgetting the morning
after forgetting ....

6:38 PM | Read comments (2) | Permalink | Blog it

June 12

relative truth

i'm hiding in between the between
wall flower fade, sunken treasures
buried deep, try to find me, catch me
hoard me, keep me, lose me, forget me.

i'm wide awake, wide awake
feeling down, falling down
falling in love
so catch me.

slipped through your fingers
sand, with that hourglass
and time's sliding by
so slow
sixty three million, four hundred and eighty five thousand, seven hundred and twenty one seconds
after i hit the ground, i give insanity a try.

slip, that color burst
we love us, yeah, no.
i don't need you.
lies
like fairy tales
born into the world dying
the donut fiend
who's been stealing
the cold from winter?

sleeping beauty
kiss me kiss me
if i awaken
catch me
when(if) i fall
in love.

human body
stretch
accomodate
love is dirty
fucking's romantic
nowhat
something's wrong.

me
too lovely
me
too lonely
me
too insane
me
and my plastic
toys

keep calm and carry on
pull the trigger
promise you won't melt
touch your melting hands
glass prince

this tower of cardboard
and silver is as much
my throne, as my lips
are for you to pilfer

i thought it was autumn
but it was just the trees
dying.

just hold me
before my
broken dreams
go empty.

break
break
break
this waffle
heart

these paper
hearts my
shards of hope
piece them together
be mine forever
the truthful
goodbye
of things.

( d i s c o n n e c t e d )

This mermaid
can't swim.

your legs are shaking

reality
is a sunspot

-

"Hello. I'm your body."

"Hey. I'm your soul."

-

i'm the paper bag monster.

4:10 PM | Permalink | Blog it

feels like rain

She's far too close, smelling like vodka, earth and defiance.
I count her eyelashes, then the tiny flecks in those dark eyes
but then they're closed, and I'm tangled. But in my defense
she tastes like magic, and storms.

3:38 PM | Permalink | Blog it

June 11

You.

"You love me."

"Nope."

-

"You love me."

"Try again."

-

"You love me."

"Not really there."

-

"You love me."

"I tolerate you."

-

"You love me."

"You're alright."

-

"You love me."

"If only."

-

"You love me."

"Yes. And what about you."

2:51 PM | Permalink | Blog it

June 08

3:58 PM | Permalink | Blog it

ohgod, we're FFing CI

Most people couldn't get Jabari Quade so raving mad that he started taking his clothes off.

Erisse, however, wasn't most people.

-

Jabari was minding his own business, just like he always was when trouble decided to favor him with her attentions, and speaking of which, a small, fire headed elf was skipping towards him. Studiously, he continued to pore over the mission scroll, still ignoring her existence, as if sheer will alone could force her at least a few miles away from his person. She flopped down on the chair opposite him with a gusty sigh, and laid her head down on her hands, threads of flame falling into her face as she stared intently at him.

Jabari heaved a sigh of a martyr whose patience was tested, and flipped a page.

At around five turned pages, Erisse decided to poke him under the table in the shins with her disturbing sharp foot. Maybe it was those shoes...

Prod.

Prod Prod.

Proooood

Looking up, and feeling distinctly exasperated - without a few glasses of ale, he might have admitted to feeling pained - he gave her a bored look. "I hadn't noticed you there, my Lady." he quipped sarcastically. "How may I be of service to you?"

Erisse ignored him, as if he hadn't spoken. "You're gay, aren't you?" she inquired, her mouth twisting in suspicion.

For a moment Jabari just stared.

"Oh, you know," she clarified "With Klavier."

His head with strangely quiet.

"Aren't you?"

Jabari gave her a curt look, before pointedly shifting his attention to the mission scrolls, though his ears were straining for her next words.

"You're always with him." she rattled off.

Was it just him, or was he seeing red?

"You stand really close."

No, he wasn't seeing red. But a few rational places in his brain were being switched off.

"And he whispers in your ear!"

Her voice was grating now, sugar sweet and annoying because he wanted her to be saying entirely different sorts of things...

"You don't have to be shy about it." Erisse reassured. "I'd still support you."

And then he looked up, crimson gaze suddenly dark, so near crimson that Erisse trailed off, waiting.

The room seemed smaller, and the space between them was almost neglible, and crackling with sparks as he stood up with slow deliberation, tucking the scrolls into place without once breaking eye contact.

With a hand in his pocket, he walked - no, Erisse thought, stalked - towards the table and stood behind her.

If she'd turned around, she would have seen Jabari's expression to be almost thoughtful. It'd been so long since he'd felt so angry. Not the dull, cold, quiet anger, but the bright simmering lava that reassured him he was alive.

He almost smiled.

Placing both hands on her shoulders, he leaned down, breathing her smell of sunlight and apples, and Erisse swore she felt the slightest brush of his lips against her ear.

"I assure you," she heard him murmur, his voice all silk and chocolate in a way that simply wasn't fair. "My sexual orientation is firmly and unwaveringly, straight."

Erisse was determined not to be intimidated. "I-I'm not so sure about that." she snapped weakly, hating the tremor there.

God, was he nipping her ear?

"How about now?"

Was it possible he was getting closer?

"You'll h-have to do more convincing than that."

A slide against the hollow of her neck.

"Now?"

"M-maybe you're straight."

A warm hand sliding underneath her shirt, resting on her sensitive tummy, fingers teasing the skin there.

"Convinced?" he rumbled, smirking.

"Definitely." there was no arguing now.

Jabari nearly sighed with relief. "Good."

-

"Klavier?" Lind bounced up to the stoic man, whose eyes seemed to soften at her arrival. "Where's Jabari? I can't find him in the library."

A hesitant sort of look crossed his face. "I wouldn't bother him right now. He's... preoccupied."

"Well, alright... Oh, and where's Erisse? Severon's looking for her."

"Ah... she's preoccupied as well."

3:47 PM | Read comments (1) | Permalink | Blog it

View more entries